Snake's Phone Confessions
by SamandMax
Summary: During one day, Snake's phonecalls were monitred. This is the top secret file which contained the actual messages during that day.


Snake's Phone Confessions  
  
*RING*  
  
Snake- Hello?  
  
Raiden- Snake.  
  
Snake- What?  
  
Raiden- I'm naked right now.  
  
Snake- What!?  
  
Raiden- I'm naked in the middle of the street. I'm eating chili.  
  
Snake- Uhh...I have to go.  
  
Raiden- Don't go snake.  
  
Snake- Sorry, my house is on fire, and I really have to put it out.  
  
Raiden- Snake.  
  
Snake- What?  
  
Raiden- My umbrella has a hole in it. I'm all wet.  
  
Snake- So?  
  
Raiden- Buy me a new umbrella.  
  
Snake- This is making no sense Raiden, I'm hanging up.  
  
Raiden- Snake.  
  
Snake- WHAT!  
  
Raiden- I need a hug. Hug me.  
  
Snake- We're on the phone Raiden, I can't hug you.  
  
Raiden- HUG ME!  
  
Snake- Ok, bye.  
  
Raiden- Wait Snake, I have one more thing to ask of you.  
  
Snake- ...What?  
  
Raiden- I'm dressed like a pirate Snake, I even have a patch on. I want you to talk to my parrot, he swears a lot, but he's a good bird. Please, talk to him, give him money so he can go to college.  
  
Snake- Raiden, you really need to start taking your pills. Bye.  
  
*CLICK*  
  
------------ *RING*  
  
Snake- Hello?  
  
Burt- Hey Snake, it's me, Burt Reynolds. I need some help.  
  
Snake- What is it?  
  
Burt- Well, it's a pretty long story. It involves hookers, alcohol, a hit and run, the cops, a Mexican hitman, a blind Chinese midget, and John Stamos's left eye.  
  
Snake- So what do you need?  
  
Burt- Well, I was wondering if you know how to get blood off the windshield of a car. John Stamos's blood to be exact.  
  
Snake- Did you try using the wipers on it?  
  
Burt- Yeah. That just caused the blood to run more down the glass.  
  
Snake- Hmm...did you take it to a car wash?  
  
Burt- I can't drive the car anywhere Snake, the cops are looking for it. And the Jewish Mafia, and John Stamos's crime organization.  
  
Snake- Well then, I guess I can't help you.  
  
Burt- Oh come on Snake, I need you! You don't even need to get the blood out, just hide me! I need a place to hide.  
  
Snake- Well, you're not hiding here.  
  
Burt- Come on Snake, the Jewish Mafia's out to get me! They'll make me eat mozza balls tell I die!  
  
Snake- No. Why don't you go hang around at Otacon's house.  
  
Burt- No way, his house smells like burnt hair.  
  
Snake- Well, I gotta go.  
  
Burt- Come on Snake, John Stamos is dead! At least help me bury his body.  
  
Snake- No way, Bob Saget'll find out and come after me. And trust me, you don't want Bob Saget coming after you. You should've seen what he did to that guy that stabbed Dave Coultier in the face. You don't mess with the Full House gang.  
  
Burt- Oh no, Bob Saget's here!  
  
Bob- *Bang* Don't mess with the FH Gang again.  
  
Burt- Snake...bury me...with....Smokie...  
  
*CLICK*  
  
-------------  
  
*RING*  
  
Snake- Hi?  
  
Otacon- Snake, I need one of your eyelashes, and a sample of your blood. And some fingerprints.  
  
Snake- What?  
  
Otacon- No questions. Just send that stuff over here, and everything'll be alright.  
  
Snake- What are you talking about?  
  
Otacon- Oh I should explain. Well, I 'accidently' shot Colonel in the face. I need you to give me your DNA, so I can spread it all over Colonel and the gun to prove you're...innocent, yeah, innocence.  
  
Snake- No.  
  
Otacon- Oh come on. If you do it, I promise I'll come see you in prison.  
  
Snake- Prison?  
  
Otacon- Oh, I mean when you're not in prison for the murder of Colonel. Not in prison.  
  
Snake- No.  
  
Otacon- You're a big meanie Snake, you won't even go to prison for life for a friend.  
  
Snake- When I asked you to go to jail that one time when I drove over Belky from Perfect Strangers, you didn't go for me.  
  
Otacon- Well...shut up.  
  
*CLICK*  
  
--------------  
  
*RING*  
  
Snake- Hello, this is Snake.  
  
Raiden- Snake.  
  
Snake- Oh, not this again.  
  
Raiden- I'm dancing Snake. I'm dancing for you.  
  
Snake- Shut up Raiden, and take your medication.  
  
Raiden- I'm doing a jig. A naked jig. I want you to dance with me Snake. Dance naked with me. Throw your clothes out the window. Dance with me. Dance with the window. Jump out the window Snake. Jump out the Window, and dance Snake. Jump out the window naked, and dance while you fall.  
  
Snake- You're a very disturbed man, Raiden.  
  
Raiden- My pants are on fire. I'm burning them.  
  
Snake- Good for you.  
  
Raiden- I'm eating the charred ashes of my pants Snake. They taste like food from Arby's.  
  
Snake- Ok Raiden, I really got to go.  
  
Raiden- Don't eat poodles.  
  
Snake- Ok, bye.  
  
Raiden- My ear ate a carrot. It tasted like an ocean.  
  
*CLICK*  
  
----------------  
  
*RING*  
  
Snake- Yeah?  
  
Burt- Snake....I need you to come drive over here, and come patch the huge wound in my stomach.  
  
Snake- Can't you call the hospital?  
  
Burt- No, then the police will come and arrest me for the murder of John Stamos. Hurry Snake, there's blood everywhere.  
  
Snake- Nope, can't do it.  
  
Burt- I'm dying here, and you can't help me?  
  
Snake- I guess not.  
  
Burt- Well, can you call someone to come help me?  
  
Snake- No. No I can't.  
  
Burt- Ok, then I'll just lie here and die.  
  
Snake- You do that.  
  
Burt- *IN THE BACKGROUND* Raiden? What're you doing here?  
  
Raiden- *IN THE BACKGROUND* I'm here to eat your pants.  
  
Burt- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Snake- Ok, this is getting disturbing.  
  
Raiden- I ate his pants Snake. I'm coming to eat yours. Buy me an umbrella. Monkey.  
  
Snake- ...Uh, yeah.  
  
*CLICK*  
  
----------------  
  
*RING*  
  
Snake- What? What the hell do you want?  
  
Otacon- Ok, change of plan. I need you to get me a walrus, a large helicopter, a chainsaw, a poster for the movie 'Howard the Duck', and a package of garlic.  
  
Snake- Why?  
  
Otacon- Don't worry, it'll all make sense.  
  
Snake- I think you should ask Raiden, he'd probably understand you more than I could.  
  
*CLICK*  
  
------------------  
  
*RING*  
  
Snake- WHAT!?  
  
Raiden- I'm a happy Goblin. Feel my stomach, it's tough like a brick door.  
  
*CLICK*  
  
------------------  
  
*RING*  
  
Snake- SHUT THE HELL UP! I HATE YOU!  
  
Cop- Hi, this is Officer Jackson, I'm phoning to ask you about a few different murders. The murders of John Stamos, Burt Reynolds, and Colonel.  
  
Snake- Oh...that.  
  
Cop- You don't sound surprised?  
  
Snake- No, I am not.  
  
Cop- And why not?  
  
Snake- It's a long, long, long story.  
  
Raiden- Hahaha, I fooled you! It's me, Corkula.  
  
Snake- Oh, you jackass. I thought you were a real cop.  
  
Raiden- Sorry, I just wanted to eat wasabi sauce egg salad.  
  
Snake- Ok Raiden, where are you? I'm calling the cops.  
  
Raiden- I'm down at the ugly. You know, the ugly.  
  
Snake- What?  
  
Raiden- Pig farmers eat forks. They vomit up pigs. I can count to G.  
  
Snake- Raiden, take your damn pills! You're a raving lunatic.  
  
Raiden- I went boom boom.  
  
*CLICK*  
Snake now has an unlisted number. Oh what the hell, it's 555-3232. And remember kids, take your medication, you don't want to end up like Raiden. Monkey. 


End file.
